Ok I admit it. I am not doing so great.
Not that I am unhappy generally.
But right now, Yes. I am not happy.
My pastor talks about the church having 'Magic Doors'. As in whoever walks through those doors, 'magically', becomes someone he's not. Holy, happy clappy. Even if he's dying inside.
Being a worshipper and a worship leader, I enjoy worship. And I love seeing others enjoy worship. But I have also learnt that worship is not always 'Praise The Lord' "Hallelujah" 'I've got a home in glory land'...! (Disclaimer : I love that song!) Sometimes worship is also about barring your heart to the Lord. Standing in quietness. With tears running down your face or just on the inside. Just you and The Lord. No holy christian phrases. Just your words. Saying. Lord. I can't do this right now. I don't even feel like lifting my head. But I know I really need you right now.
Today was one such day. Something came up. Something I've been praying about. Something that breaks me every time.
And so I went to the only Ever Present One.
O Lord, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
For my soul is full of trouble
I am set apart with the dead
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I mean I know this psalm doesn't make our list of top ten psalms. This isn't psalm 23 or psalm 91. This psalm probably won't be one of those chapters we run to when we need encouragement or comfort.
But I just imagined what this psalm would've meant to David. The author of the psalms. All those beautiful ones. I imagine this made his list of top ten psalms. I can imagine what he would he would've been going through when he wrote this. When he says, "Do you show your wonders to the dead?" When he wonders about God's love and faithfulness.
But I do know he gets his answers. Because in Psalm 89 he begins with, "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever....."
And that's why I know it's ok. It's ok if I am unhappy. God is fine with that. He's fine with me not being happy clappy, 'magic' christian all the time. I can just be myself. Even if it's not very nice. Not very presentable. Not very church-ey. Even if it's Psalm 88.
Because he sees me. He knows my 'something'.
Because tomorrow, is Psalm 89.