A double edged sword

The Merriam - Webster dictionary defines this term as below :

double–edged sword - noun
: a sword that has two sharp edges
: something that has both good and bad parts or results

In the bible, the Word of God is likened to such in Hebrews 4:12...
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

This blog is not about that.

This blog is about love.

I am not sure if someone before me has drawn up such a comparison. I am not sure if writing this blog on Valentines day is such a good idea. But please, please bear with me.

Love is a two edged sword. So by definition, it should have both good and bad parts.

I see the good when I look at my husband. He is the embodiment of all that is pure and loving and caring. Sugar and spice and all things nice. Everything that warms your soul and gives you strength. I am not saying HE is perfect. Faaaaaaaarrrrrrr from it! ( That will be my next blog topic) But his love. Perfect. All Good.

And on the other hand. The bad. So many examples come to mind. To sum them all up, them who do not love you in the same measure that you do them. I have seen many in life. Me being someone who loves loving. Who will do anything for those I love. The only thing that sways this 'tough punjabi' is love. But it is also the one thing that has brought me to my knees. Time and again. Broken heart. Failed expectations. Trampled on dreams. Pushed aside feelings. I could go on and on and on...

So what do we do? Don't love. Because it is love that opens you out. makes you vulnerable. The more you love the more you get hurt.

But then I look at my husband. How can I not love? How can I not embrace the good parts?
And besides... Christ asks us to love. In fact he goes a step further to say, Love those who hate you.

So what do we do? What do I do? Love.
But with wisdom. Without expectations. Without responsibilty. 

The year gone by

It is the 26^th of September 2013. As I begin the 27^th year of my life, I look back on the 26^th. I speak with complete honesty and conviction when I say I will never forget this year.

This day last year, I was at Bhaiya’s place. Recovering from a cruel break up, I was full of shattered dreams and thought I had nothing to look forward to in the coming year. That birthday was a much needed break and time spent with family. And Ranjan bhaiya, Bernice di and Jonty came through for me. Like they always did. Little did I know, that that birthday would be the last of a season and would mark the beginning of a new era. Little did I know, what lay ahead.

Following that I left for church camp. The intouch camp at Bangalore. Three days of word, worship, fun, games, activities et al. It was a time of intense nourishment. A time when I was built up, refreshed and rejuvenated.  A place where a lot of my questions were answered. A place where I finally laid to rest all the ‘whys’ and ‘whens’ and ‘hows’ I was struggling with. A place where I was healed and made whole.

And now, is when the life changing stuff begins.

It all began when one day while talking on the phone with mama, she said, “why don’t you put up a profile on a matrimonial website?” And all I said was, “let’s see”. After a lot of thought and talking to friends, I thought “why not?!” and decided to give it a go. My only prayer and condition before God was that whatever had to happen should happen within a month. And so, it did.

I entered into the Indian marriage market or the great shaadi bazzar. www.shaadi.com. Countless mails, notifications, smses, phone calls later, I got a call. “Hey! This is Moloise Daniel. Is this a good time to talk?.....” And so it began. He spoke to me. Spoke to dada. Spoke to me again. At the end I asked for time. A month. Before I spoke to him again. And then he said his now infamous dialogue, “Theek hai theek hai. No problem. Kahin bhi jao. Ghoom firke to mere paas hi aana hai…!”

Then came November. Martha visited the ‘hot n happening’ Coimbatore. Or should I say Coimbatore got visited by the ‘hot n happening’ Martha. Trips. Food. Fun. Ooty. Kerela. And some thousands of rupees later, we completed the best sisterhood trip ever.

Then on November 17^th, I called him. Lets meet.

And so we did. December 1^st, 2012. Coimbatore.

And. I. said. YES!!!!

To cut a looooong mushy very romantic story short, we got engaged. Ludhiana. January 11^th, 2013.

Oh oh before that. My best friend’s wedding. Shyla Singh became Shyla Thomas Jacob. If not the wedding of the century, it was the wedding of a decade. A decade of love and friendship.

Then came 2013. Honestly the first six months were a blur. And truthfully, not a very happy blur. I was far away from family. From friends. From my love.  I was working two jobs. Trying to complete my bond and get what I was due. Single handedly planning and executing a wedding. And most importantly, fighting for that very wedding to take place.

Finally. The big day arrived. The biggest day in a girl’s life. The biggest day in my life. June 1^st, 2013.

It was beautiful. God had worked it out to every small detail. I was seeing chacha chachi and my firangi cousins after ages. I was surrounded by friends and family. The weather was beautiful. The landscape breathtaking. And the man perfect. The moment I most clearly remember was walking out of my changing room. I was n a beautiful white gown. The most beautiful I would ever look in my life. And suddenly, there was this wave of sadness. Sorrow, that clenched my heart. Tears in my eyes. It was the hardest thing I ever had had to do in my life. The toughest choice I ever had had to make. I was immensely happy. But also immensely sad.

Lydia Abraham became Lydia Abraham Moloise. Mrs. Lydia Abraham Moloise.

After that was more activity, honeymooning in kerela. Then we had to split up for a while when Moloise left for Dubai to resign. Then he came back and we began the process of job/house hunting. We moved into our first house, began setting up while I slowly began settling into my new role of wife.

And so here I am. A year later.

What does this year bring?

I am studying for my entrance into specialty courses and will be writing exams end of this year. Beyond that, who knows?!! Well… God does. And I am content not knowing. I am content. My life is full. And I am happier than I have been in years.

And to you, thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for the part you’ve played in my life. Thank you for being there for me this year. Thank you for everything.

I love you.

God bless.

Lydia

Happy clappy

Ok I admit it. I am not doing so great.

Not that I am unhappy generally.

But right now, Yes. I am not happy.

My pastor talks about the church having 'Magic Doors'. As in whoever walks through those doors, 'magically', becomes someone he's not. Holy, happy clappy. Even if he's dying inside.

Being a worshipper and a worship leader, I enjoy worship. And I love seeing others enjoy worship. But I have also learnt that worship is not always 'Praise The Lord' "Hallelujah" 'I've got a home in glory land'...! (Disclaimer : I love that song!) Sometimes worship is also about barring your heart to the Lord. Standing in quietness. With tears running down your face or just on the inside. Just you and The Lord. No holy christian phrases. Just your words. Saying. Lord. I can't do this right now. I don't even feel like lifting my head. But I know I really need you right now.

Today was one such day. Something came up. Something I've been praying about. Something that breaks me every time. 

And so I went to the only Ever Present One.

Psalm 88

O Lord, the God who saves me,

day and night I cry out before you.

For my soul is full of trouble

I am set apart with the dead

You have put me in the lowest pit,

in the darkest depths.

You have taken from me my closest friends

and have made me repulsive to them.

I am confined and cannot escape;

my eyes are dim with grief.

I mean I know this psalm doesn't make our list of top ten psalms. This isn't psalm 23 or psalm 91. This psalm probably won't be one of those chapters we run to when we need encouragement or comfort.

But I just imagined what this psalm would've meant to David. The author of the psalms. All those beautiful ones. I imagine this made his list of top ten psalms. I can imagine what he would he would've been going through when he wrote this. When he says, "Do you show your wonders to the dead?" When he wonders about God's love and faithfulness. 

But I do know he gets his answers. Because in Psalm 89 he begins with, "I will sing of the Lord's great love forever....."

And that's why I know it's ok. It's ok if I am unhappy. God is fine with that. He's fine with me not being happy clappy, 'magic' christian all the time. I can just be myself. Even if it's not very nice. Not very presentable. Not very church-ey. Even if it's Psalm 88.

Because he sees me. He knows my 'something'.

Because tomorrow, is Psalm 89.

 

Adventures...

Hello there! Long time no see... well... that's because there wasn't much to write about... that changed Saturday...
I was on night shift getting bored as usual. When suddenly we heard firecrackers. (If you've read my previous post titled 'annai', you would know what I mean.) And then all of a sudden it was like the floodgates were opened and I was surrounded. What had happened was that a herd of 8 elephants had strayed into the village. The forest officials and villagers were chasing them back into the forest, when one elephant turned back and ran towards the humans. There was a small stampede and those who were bursting firecrackers had them go off in their hands.
Thus I was dealing with the aftermath of burns and injuries.
Just when I was finishing up, I was informed that one of our staff, thomas, was coming in. Turned out to be ureteric colic - the condition when a kidney stone gets stuck in the urinary passage causing pain and obstruction. I started treating him with all the available medications. However there was no change in status. He had to be taken to a higher centre.
Now where was this higher centre...? On the other side of the elephant reserve.
What time was it...? 10.30 pm.
The forest department had already issued loudspeaker warnings about the elephant invasion, telling people to stay inside. 
But thomas had to be shifted.
And who had to do it? Me
On what ambulance? My scooter!
So I did.
Took two other male staff on a bike. With the patient behind me, I rode the thirty kilometres through the reserve to the hospital on the other side. Narrowly missing a lone elephant on the road.
We reached. The patient was treated.
And guess what... I rode back! At midnight!
I got a nice dressing down from my fiance. My staff were in awe of me. (I understood the meaning of 'thandhedam' which is malyalam for gumption) But I slept well that night. Absolutely content. Having survived my first thadagam adventure.

God bless the broken road that led me straight to you...

We’re all a little weird.  And life is a little weird.  And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.

Isaac and Ishmael

Just some thoughts that came to me... That can be applied for that which God has promised us.
- Isaac was the son of the spirit whereas Ishmael was the son of the flesh.
- Isaac was born out of a union ordained by God. Ishmael was a (wo)man ordained union between the consecrated and the gentile.
- Isaac was the son of the promise whereas Ishmael was never part of the plan.
- Isaac was part of a future that only God could see and Ishmael was an effort to try to make that something more 'tangible'.
- Isaac was the fruit of patience and waiting upon the Lord. Ishmael was the result of trying to 'speed things up'.
- Isaac was conceived in the perfect will of God whereas Ishmael was birthed out of human understanding.
- Isaac was to be the father of the greatest blessings and Ishmael rose to become his greatest obstacle.
- Isaac was humanly impossible, completely supernatural. Ishmael was humanly possible, completely natural.
- Isaac was the result of one man's belief in his God. Ishmael was the one time compromise on that belief.
- Isaac was the effect of the covenant between man and God whereas Ishmael was the union of man with his flesh.
- Isaac was the prince of royalty. Ishmael was the proof of the oneness with a slave.
- Isaac was to be a blessing to the nations. Ishmael was the selfish ambition for a personal dream.
- Isaac brought only laughter. Ishmael brought rebellion and strife.
- Isaac was a sign of change towards a higher identity. Ishmael was part of a lower past.
- Isaac came at the very time God promised. Ishmael was 'timed'. 
- For Isaac to receive his inheritance, Ishmael had to be sent away.
- Isaac stood for everything good and perfect. Ishmael was always a part of a problem/ struggle.
- Isaac fell in love with the things of God. Ishmael was controlled by the flesh.
Finally Isaac was the forefather of the Son of God. Ishmael was the father of earthly kings.

For all I have lost

The Lord gave, and the Lord taketh away
Blessed be the name of the Lord.....
.... job 1:21

This was my reading for today. The Matthew Henry commentary says that this verse, according to the original, can also read, "...the Lord gave. Bless his name. The Lord taketh away. Bless his name..." Something about that really strikes me. In other words,
1).....bless the Lord when he gives, bless the Lord when he takes away.
OR
2).... bless the Lord for what he gives, bless the Lord for what he takes away.
Ok the first one I get. Yet will I praise him. We praise him in the storm. No matter what we still bless him
But the second one... hmmm.... the Lord takes away. And then our response is not confined to despair and questioning. To grudgingly bring ourselves to 'thank the Lord'. But to actually give a positive response. To actually be happy about it. Not in spite of it. Or through it. Or in it. But FOR it. You see, because if we are thankful for the what he has taken away, it ceases to be something removed, something lost. There is no longer a storm.
Then I look at the next chapter...
... shall we receive good from the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil...
I think of the things I have lost. Those that I held dear. Those that I loved. Can I actually thank God for losing them?
Is it possible that I am so wrapped up in my God that the giving and the taking away no longer matters.
That I can receive loss with the same mind that I do gain.
That I am so focused on the giver of it all that I lose sight of what happens around me.
The giving. And the taking away. All as one.
I still bless his name.
Not for all that I have gained.
But for all that I have lost.